I’m sitting in my training session on Zoom, the instructor is speaking. I have an idea that fits perfectly with the topic. Two other participants have already raised their hands. I have to say it NOW, because by the time it’s my turn, I’ll have forgotten. It’s the same in our conversations – I have to say it immediately because it fits the topic RIGHT NOW. I can’t wait 3 minutes. Then, it just feels strange when I say it (I think).
Hi, I'm Stefanie,
59 years old, painter. I have ADHD & I’m autistic (AuDHD), which I found out last year. Actually, I’m also ADHD, which isn’t a disease but a disability. Though it's hard to express that linguistically (ADHD person?). ADHD is, in general, an inappropriate term – it’s much more than just inattention & hyperactivity (internal and/or external). But that’s another topic altogether.
What does this have to do with my art? EVERYTHING! It has everything to do with it. The brain of neurodivergent people is ‘wired’ differently, and that’s why these disabilities actually explain many behaviors.
How it all started
As an avid social media user, I obviously noticed the increased presence of adults diagnosed with ADHD later in life. At first, I saw this more among my artist contacts. What does that actually mean? I wondered. If they had been ‘fidgeting’ all their lives, wouldn’t that have been noticed earlier?
A quick online search, and I was much wiser. What struck me was how many symptoms I could identify with. Could I have ADHD too? That can’t be. I’ve been in therapy for 25 years due to depression & anxiety. I’ve seen various therapists – someone must have noticed. But there’s also internal hyperactivity, which is especially common in women. Of course, that’s harder to see.
For a long time, women & girls weren’t really recognized in this context. So, ADHD isn’t suddenly a ‘trend’; research has only recently discovered that women can have ADHD and/or be autistic too.
Finally, it all makes sense
At the end of last year, I finally got my ADHD diagnosis. I had to pay for it myself (400 €, not that I could really afford it). At the insurance-approved place in Bielefeld, I would have had to wait up to 2 years. I couldn’t handle that uncertainty. A symptom of? Exactly, ADHD.
When I finally got the diagnosis, I was incredibly relieved. The guilt, the constant feeling of being a failure because I couldn’t function like others – finally knowing that it wasn’t my personality, but my brain. My whole life, the many jobs, relationships, and constantly changing hobbies that rarely got beyond just buying materials. All that chaos finally had a name.
My mind was always thinking – non-stop, 24/7. Thoughts on an assembly line, staccato-like. Since I didn’t know any differently, I assumed everyone experienced it that way.
For many years, I had difficulty falling asleep at night, until I got an antidepressant in my mid-40s that was supposed to calm my mind a bit. It actually worked. When I started taking Ritalin after the ADHD diagnosis, I was completely shocked. It’s sooo quiet in my head! It’s insane!
But there was also a sense of sadness, a sadness for little Steffi, for the little girl who always felt wrong. A sadness for what could have been, for missed opportunities, because an earlier diagnosis & medication would have changed everything.
Yes, but WHAT does this have to do with my art?
When I started reflecting on all of this, my first thought was – I have to paint this! Painting is an emotional process for me; I can explore and express feelings that I might otherwise not allow myself to feel.
The idea is to paint self-portraits from different stages of my life. This project is called JOURNEY, and the process is much more emotional than I expected. When I paint such a portrait, I can sometimes remember exactly how I felt at that time.
Overall, the ADHD diagnosis has brought a lot of positives for me. Because of the medication, the noise in my head is much quieter, I have more energy, and I’m actually getting things done. For example, I’m painting a lot more than I have in recent years. I don’t overthink everything; I just start.
The training I’m currently doing is full-time and lasts four weeks. It’s very exhausting for me, but I can concentrate for long periods thanks to Ritalin. I could never do that before.
New paths
The diagnosis also means that I need to change my life. I get overwhelmed quickly by external stimuli. When I do something, I give 100% of all the energy I have, not just the part that was meant for it. That’s how burnout is guaranteed.
Luckily, I love being at home with myself and the cats. I’m no longer the party girl (that was sooo exhausting!). But I probably won’t do a live exhibition anymore. The thought alone makes me panic. I’m now very selective about what I do. I no longer plan more than two appointments per week – it’s too much otherwise.
Overall, social interactions are very draining for me because I’m never sure if I’m ‘doing everything right.’ This is where autism comes into play. But I’ll talk about that another time.
Comments